I don’t even know how to start this. The last two nights at Wembley have been the biggest and best shows of my life. To come home to such a response after so long away doing something I never thought I could pull off but did has blown me away. However, I’ve struggled vocally both nights. I had to push a lot harder than I normally do. I felt like I constantly had to clear my throat, especially last night. I went to see my throat doctor this evening because my voice didn’t open up at all today and it turns out I have damaged my vocal cords. And on medical advice I simply am unable to perform over the weekend. To say I’m heart broken would be a complete understatement. I’m already maxed out on steroids and aids for my voice. I’ve considered doing Saturday nights show but it’s highly unlikely I’d even make it through the set and I simply can’t crumble in front of you all and walk out on you in that way. I’m so desperate to do them that I’ve even considered miming, just to be in front of you and be with you. But I’ve never done it and I cannot in a million years do that to you. It wouldn’t be the real me up there. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for your disappointment. I’m sorry for the nights you would have had with your loved ones and the memories you would have made together. I’m sorry for the time and money you’ve spent organizing your trips. You know I would not make this decision lightly. I have done 121 shows and I have 2 left. 2 left!!! And they are 2 gigantic shows! Who the fuck cancels a show at Wembley Stadium!? To not complete this milestone in my career is something I’m struggling to get my head around and I wish that I wasn’t having to write this. I have changed my life drastically in every way to make sure I got through this tour that started at the beginning of last year. To not be able to finish it, is something I’m really struggling to come to terms with. It’s as if my whole career has been building up to these 4 shows. I’m writing this as the decision has just this moment been made, so I don’t have any other information, but of course refunds will be available if the shows can’t be rescheduled. There will be more information over the next few days. I’m sorry, I’m devastated.
I’m sorry. I love you I’m so sorry, please forgive me x
When I was 7, I wanted to be 8. When I was 8, I wanted to be 12. When I turned 12 I just wanted to be 18. Then after that I stopped wanting to be older. Now I’m ticking 16-24 boxes just to see if I can blag it! I feel like I’ve spent my whole life so far wishing it away. Always wishing I was older, wishing I was somewhere else, wishing I could remember and wishing I could forget too. Wishing I hadn’t ruined so many good things because I was scared or bored. Wishing I wasn’t so matter of fact all the time. Wishing I’d gotten to know my great grandmother more, and wishing I didn’t know myself so well, because it means I always know what’s going to happen in the end. Wishing I hadn’t cut my hair off, wishing I was 5’7”. Wishing I’d waited and wishing I’d hurried up as well.
My last record was a break-up record and if I had to label this one I would call it a make-up record. I’m making up with myself. Making up for lost time. Making up for everything I ever did and never did. But I haven’t got time to hold on to the crumbs of my past like I used to. What’s done is done. Turning 25 was a turning point for me, slap bang in the middle of my twenties. Teetering on the edge of being an old adolescent and a fully-fledged adult, I made the decision to go into becoming who I’m going to be forever without a removal van full of my old junk. I miss everything about my past, the good and the bad, but only because it won’t come back. When I was in it I wanted out! So typical. I’m on about being a teenager: sitting around and chatting shit, not caring about the future because it didn’t matter then like it does now. The ability to be flippant about everything and there be no consequences. Even following and breaking rules… is better than making the rules.
25 is about getting to know who I’ve become without realising. And I’m sorry it took so long, but you know, life happened.